Blink Reviews

The fact is, I don’t know much about how movies are made.

(I attended a screening of a documentary once and afterward, at the pub, I spaced out when the film types starting talking about film Things.  I was startled back into the fray when one of them said, “Oh, well, Cindy doesn’t know what a camera dolly is.”  Truer words).

Still: don't care.  But I do love D to the P.  She is lovely!

Not close.

[Don’t worry:  I don’t actually care all that much about what a camera dodi is.  As for the documentary itself…I think it was about, like, The Earth or something].

But…yeah.  Lighting, zooms, cuts and, um, bird’s eye view?[1]  That pretty much sums up my knowledge of how a movie is put together.

Or if you will, “film”.

Hey, though!  I like story.  Lessons learned, morals, that kind of Thing.

I’m the kind of person who wonders if a million coincidences does, actually, a movie make (Forest Gump) – or more precisely, a good movie make – and who appreciates that the heart wants what it wants (The Human Centipede).

It yearns.

Here, then, (and in splendid alphabetical order) are some bits – blink reviews, really – of what I have learned by watching the movie good!

Wait.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo…The Human Centipede…Bram Stoker’s DraculaBeauty and the Beast…

I am not cutting and pasting this again. LET’S. GO.

 

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (2011)

Families should talk more.

 

The Human Centipede (First Sequence) (2009)

There is a right way, and a wrong way, to make new friends.

Qu'est-ce qu'il y a?  Pretty much everything.

Ménage à wrong.

 

Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1992)

You don’t always get what you want.

 

Beauty and The Beast (1991)

Learn to love him as he is (good) and perhaps he’ll change (better!).  It’s on you.

 

Avatar (2009)

More is less.

 

Forrest Gump (1994)

Shit happens.

Catch-phrase please!

Now this? This I like.

 

The Black Swan (2010)

Fight club for ladies?

 

Pan’s Labyrinth (2006)

It was just a dream.  No it wasn’t.  Yes it was.  Maybe?  Nah.

 

Mulholland Dr. (2001)

David Lynch is smarter than me.[2]

Homer Simpson. Sage.

"Brillant! I have no idea what's going on."

 

Adaptation (2002)

Truly this is a movie more perfect than God Almighty — who yet found it in His Infinite Wisdom to make it nearly impossible to truly express snark in type. THIS IS SUCH A GOOD MOVIE.

 

2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)

It is possible to enjoy something and not all of the people who enjoy that same Thing (see Harold and Maude).

 

Harold and Maude (1971)

Sometimes, even when you really like something, you have to let on like you like it EVEN MORE to satisfy the people around you.  And to get out of there.

 

Titanic (1997)

Look, she’s a good friend and this rare lapse in judgment should not be such a great mark against her as a human being.  Besides, lavish period romances set on doomed luxury cruisers rendered lovingly in CGI just aren’t for you.  You could not have known that without experiencing it, much like the time you tried flax seed butter.  Remember?  You tried it.  It wasn’t for you.  It’s OK.  WHAT IS FLAX SEED??  Everything will be OK.

 

Anaconda (1997)

Look.  Society will never, never accept you if it knew of your insatiable love for this.  Never ever.  If anyone mentions this movie to you in any capacity, just fake confusion with a penis metaphor and quickly change subjects.   Try “hey, so, the economy”.  “Oh my god, Shia Labeouf!” is another option.  Failing that, continue talking about penises until everything is penises.  BLEND.

Pronounced "hex-plode".

"They strike, wrap around you. Hold you tighter than your true love. And you get the privilege, of hearing your bones break before the power of embrace causes your veins to explode".

(But seriously.  JLO and Ice Cube, together, fighting giant snakes?  ANACONDAS!  The lesson here is clear: never trust Jon Voight with an accent).

 


[1] Birds’ eye view?  I am unsure of the number of birds involved in this.

[2] Also: Mulholland?  Not a doctor.

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2 Comments

Filed under Entertainment

2 responses to “Blink Reviews

  1. Reblogged this on A different person and commented:
    Sorry Parton, but i’s too true. >.<

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